Thursday, January 7, 2010

This will be angsty

I am feeling like I can't take this anymore. It is only the 1st week of winter quarter and I am already stressed out of my mind. It wouldn't be so bad if I could drop the class I hate and not have to worry about it but I have to fill that spot with something and I don't feel like I should be wasting anymore time/credits. I know college is about finding yourself but I wish it didn't come at such a high price. And mostly I am feeling super alone here. All of my "friends" are very busy with school and boyfriends and they just seem to not care. I am sure they do to some degree but if they did my supposed best friend would give me more of 1.5 hours of her time which she spent doing homework so she could go see her boyfriend. Every time I walk back into my dorm the roommate is on the phone to her boyfriend for hours.

Speaking of boyfriends, I lost mine (no big surprise why I feel such a surge of loneliness). I decided not to call or text him (yea we want to be friends, explain why later). I wanted to see what would happen and if he didn't call or text I would have my answers. He hasn't yet and I don't have any hopes that he will. 2 years and 7 months gone in three days. He has moved on and it isn't my job to keep us connected. He made so many promises. How he loved me and always would and that he would wait for me to finish college before we decided to move on from there. I believed him. I want to believe him still but I don't know if I can. Maybe he is upset and this hurts him too but he never shows his emotions so to the best of my knowledge he is doing just fine now. Even when I told him we were ending (yes. it was my fault). He just said he was "sad". I don't want to bash him but I can't imagine 2.7 years just going away and being fine in three days unless a lot of it never mattered.

So here I sit still glancing at my phone waiting for a sign that I still matter to him. *sighs* I sound like a pathetic high school girl but that is how it is. I am lost, stressed, hurt, confused, and lonely and I have no one to talk to and no one to hug.

" Forever and ever the scars will remain. I am falling apart. Leave me here forever in the dark." - Give me a Sign by Breaking Benjamin


  1. Hang in there. That's how my first year of college went too. And my second. Then it got amazing.

  2. The second one was better, actually, it was just kind of boring.